BOSTON, MA—While unsure exactly how many people he is currently letting down, area man Kevin Webber has successfully narrowed the field down to 7 or 8 disappointed candidates. “After my performance at yesterday’s meeting with a major prospect, I know for certain that my boss is not happy with me. So, that’s one,” said Mr. Webber to reporters this morning as he went through the list of people he’s sure are upset, annoyed, or generally frustrated with him right now. “I haven’t called my mom in like two weeks and I’ve been putting off hanging out with my old college roommate for months. Plus, I know my buddy Greg is still waiting for me to respond to his e-mail about that weekend trip to New York.” According to his statements, Mr. Webber knows he’s failed to answer probably three or four texts from friends and family, creating more irritation amongst those closest to him. “Also, I think my girlfriend Kelly is still mad at me about what I said at her friend’s holiday party this past weekend, but it’s too hard to tell.” At press time, Mr. Webber had to decline lunch with several co-workers, pushing his present tally up to at least 10.
Get your act together.
The Lonely Petunia 
I probably should not make that list.