ATLANTA, GA—In an effort to battle the spread of Ebola into the United States, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced a new policy to quarantine and then murder all healthcare workers coming from West Africa. “To date, our attempts to contain Ebola have not been successful. As such, we are imposing a new policy to quarantine all healthcare workers coming from Liberia, Sierra Leone, and Guinea for 21 days and then subsequently killing them,” announced CDC Director Thomas Frieden in a press conference over the weekend. According to sources, the CDC will direct all doctors, nurses, and volunteers arriving from West Africa to specific locations where they will spend their remaining 21 days before being executed. Within the controlled environments, CDC representatives will also monitor the vitals of all healthcare workers for three weeks, slaughter them in groups, dispose of their bodies, and notify family members. “Through quarantine and systematic massacre, we can save a lot of lives.” At press time, the CDC was considering widening the policy to anyone coming from anywhere.
“Are you happy now?!”
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