Area Man Puts Money Away To Lose In Next Crisis

ROCHESTER, NY—In an attempt to be fiscally responsible, area man Kevin Harrigan put most of his recent quarterly bonus away to lose in the next financial crisis. “My parents taught me when I was young to always save money for the future,” said Mr. Harrigan, who reportedly invested approximately $5,000 into various mutual funds, stocks, and bonds that will invariably lose close to half their value in the next financial meltdown. According to sources, Mr. Harrigan also regularly invests about 5% of his paycheck into an employer sponsored 401(k) that will be almost wiped away the next time the stock markets crash for reasons completely out of his control. To date, Mr. Harrigan’s investment style has returned about 6-8% per year over the past several years, which is in stark comparison to the 55% loss he will realize when the economy undoubtedly takes a drastic turn for the worse. “I just know this money is going to do me a lot of good [for at most 6-18 months].” At press time Mr. Harrigan was working late into the evening for a company that in the next recession will fire him.

“I’ve got one word: plastics.”