Area Man Aware Of Infinite Time Makes Long Term Plans

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite his awareness of the infinite span of time and his relative insignificance on the grand scale of the universe, area man Steven Watkins sat down this weekend to map out his long term career and life plans. “It’s important to take a long term view and set up some goals to strive for,” said Mr. Watkins, mindful of the unbounded timeline on which he is an infinitesimal spec. According to sources, Mr. Watkins said that he wanted to be a Vice President at his financial firm by 2020, marking a point in time that Mr. Watkins comprehends as theoretically meaningless relative to the vastness of infinity. Mr. Watkins, fully cognizant that time itself is relative and bounded by the endless range of spacetime, reportedly added that he and his wife would like to have three kids and live in the suburbs by the time he turns 40. “It’s a comfort to have some [totally inconsequential] milestones to look forward to.” At press time, Mr. Watkins, aware that he will assuredly die some day, decided to forgo a cookie at lunch.

In the long run we're all dead.

In the long run we’re all dead.


  1. Lol. Every time I hesitate before eating a cupcake, I just remind myself that compared to the size of the Earth, or the galaxy, or the universe, this little cupcake is so insignificant.

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