Study: Giving Airline Employees Dirty Looks Reduces Delays 36%

WASHINGTON, DC—A new study by the Federal Aviation Administration revealed that giving airline employees dirty looks can decrease flight delays by as much as 36%. “Data from the past 15 years demonstrates that sending snarls, grimaces, and evil eyes towards airline staff can significantly speed up travel times,” said FAA executive Michael Huerta, who noted the positive correlation between treating employees like garbage and having a more enjoyable travel experience. The report further outlined several other actions that can reduce delays including muttering expletives while walking away from the service desk, throwing hands up in air with a very audible sigh, and telling other passengers in the vicinity that the delay is crazy, nuts, or total bull shit. According to the study, these tactics are most effective when the delay is caused by a maintenance issue or when the weather is seemingly perfect and it is definitely the airline’s fault. “We recommend everyone start treating the employees as terribly as possible.” An addendum to the study also showed that screaming at desk attendants returns lost bags 75% faster.

“How may we frustrate you?”