AUSTIN, TX—With thousands of college football players suiting up this weekend to kick off the 2014 season, Saturday will mark a proud day for the nation’s successful fathers. “I can’t wait to see my son to play in his first college game,” said Gerald Tatum of University of Texas tight end and son Frank Tatum, one of the 12,000 NCAA football players who will start this weekend and exhibit the clearest results of impactful parenting. Sports analysts reported that respectable fathers around the country will be watching their thriving offspring take the field as Division I football begins, adding that somewhat less successful though still superior fathers will watch their sons play Division II and Division III football. “It’s going to be a real proud moment for me [and the other dads who know how to raise a son].” Final reports showed that half time, when the marching band takes the field, will mark an embarrassing moment for the nation’s failed fathers.
“I love you 71”
The Lonely Petunia 
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