Unsocial, Somber Charity Campaign Raises $0

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising turn of events, the recent marketing campaign by the American Heart Association, which forwent social media and focused on the somber seriousness of heart disease in order to raise money for research, has reportedly raised $0 to date. “Unfortunately our strategy of leveraging the network of the USPS by mailing out individual flyers to everyone across the country has not been very successful in raising funds,” said CEO Nancy Brown in a press release. Reportedly, AHA’s marketing team was shocked to discover that the “Serious Like A Heart Attack” brochures, which listed off medical stats about heart disease and showed pictures of various people who recently died, did not spur anyone to donate to their cause. Industry experts were left scrambling upon hearing that a campaign focusing purely on private donations and avoiding any fun participation was unable to drive people to the coffers. “Other than doing something stupid like making donating an amusing experience that can be enjoyed with friends, I’m sad to say that I don’t think there’s anything else we can do at this point.” In related news, the Ice Bucket Challenge has raised $13.3M for ALS research in three weeks.

Put some ice on it