Holy Fuck! The Floor Turned To Lava!

By: Bobby Wright

By: Bobby Wright

Summertime can be pretty boring for a kid, especially when it’s raining. Normally, I’d be outside exploring my backyard trying to find cool bugs or playing basketball with my neighbor Jeremy. But on a day like this, when it’s just raining buckets outside, there’s not much to do. You would think that I could play video games, but quite honestly, they’ve started to bore me. I can’t tell you how many versions of Mario Kart I’ve played, and…what the hell? Holy fuck! The floor just turned to lava!

Folks, I am not lying to you. As I sit here, the floor beneath me just turned to fucking lava! Real molten, flowing, fucking lava. This is the real deal. The carpet has disappeared and left nothing but a living-room sized pool of melted rock, just steaming and burning up everything that touches it. This is fucking nuts!

For fuck’s sake, this carpet was brand new! Mom is going to fucking flip!

I have no idea how this shit could have happened. One second, the floor is just a regular floor covered by regular carpet. And the next second, BAM! Fucking lava. Everywhere. Just hot lava. There’s no volcanoes around here, at least according to Mrs. Harff at school. She never mentioned anything about a fucking volcano in these parts, so there’s no fucking reason lava should be flowing through my house right now. Doesn’t make a lick of sense—I swear to fucking God.

Holy shit the dog!

Rocky! Don’t you fucking move. I’m serious. Don’t you fucking move a goddamned inch. You stay right there on that brown carpet in the hallway. Your tennis ball is long gone. Don’t you dare take another step into the lava looking for it. You will burn your fucking paws clear off. I’m serious. I’m not fucking around here, Rocky! Just stay! Stay. Good boy.

I have to warn Mom before this spreads to the kitchen and hits the gas line and blows the whole house to fucking bits. But she’s all the way downstairs in the computer room. I’ve got to get to the hallway with Rocky where it’s safe. But how? Think Bobby, think!

Coasters!

Fucking perfect. Ok. I am going to have to use the ottoman to jump across the lava to get to the couch. There’s coasters on the end table there. It’s those stupid fucking flowery coasters that Mom always makes me and my friends use, but they should do the trick—Mom, I fucking swear, I’m never going to doubt your decorating skills again. Ok. I’ll lay them down one by one like stepping stones that will get me to the mother fucking safe zone. This is going to work. It better fucking work.

Wish me luck.

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Comments

  1. Did you make it?!?

  2. I came across your blog by asking siri to fucking open up google images of petunias and this is what she brought me 🙂 I am SO thankful for her. Glad you made it safe, hope ma wasn’t mad!

  3. Been there my friend.

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