Gay Couple Explains Bigoted Assholes To Adopted Children

COLUMBIA, MO—Unable to avoid the topic any longer, gay couple Patrick Lang and Andrew Pearson finally sat down to explain bigoted assholes to their adopted children. “We know that you have been seeing a lot of these close minded jerks on TV and in the news,” explained Mr. Lang to Evan, 8, and Kelly, 10, both of whom have been asking many questions about the people who think it’s OK to spew hatred towards anyone different than them. The co-parents reportedly told Evan and Kelly that some people are just born as prejudiced motherfuckers without any compassion or reason and they’re probably going to be cowardly sinners for the rest of their lives. Inside sources confirmed that Mr. Pearson calmed Kelly’s fears by telling her to just ignore the intolerant pricks because they’re never going to hurt her and will eventually die and go to hell. “We love you both very much, and nothing those dickheaded extremists say or do is going to change that.” Final reports showed that, just to be safe, Mr. Lang and Mr. Pearson put Fox News on parental block.

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