U.N. Report On Climate Change Written In All Caps

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Reinforcing evidence that climate change is having a material, adverse impact on every portion of the planet, a recent report by the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was written in all caps. “WITH HIGH LEVELS OF WARMING THAT RESULT FROM CONTINUED GROWTH IN GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS, RISKS WILL BE CHALLENGING TO MANAGE,” stated the report, which details the effects of climate change through varying use of fonts, including italics and bold face letters. “PEOPLE, SOCIETIES, AND ECOSYSTEMS ARE VULNERABLE AROUND THE WORLD.” The paper by the IPCC is the second portion of a four-part report, which has increasingly used exclamation points, larger typeface, and curse words since the first portion was released last year. “THE PLANET WILL EXPERIENCE MORE EXTREME CLIMACTIC EVENTS, SUCH AS HEAT WAVES, DROUGHTS, FLOODS, AND FUCKING WILDFIRES!!!” Listed in the byline of the report were 309 contributing authors and experts who included their resumes, backgrounds, and a statement that many of them have won the “GODDAMNED NOBEL PRIZE.” Upon reading the report, climate change doubters announced they’d like to see part three of the report before making any policy decisions.

“THE ICEBERGS ARE FUCKING MELTING”