Teenage Scientist Teaches Robot To Like Like

SUNNYVALE, CA—Impressing judges at this week’s Sunnyvale High School science fair, senior Eric Vollmer took home the top prize for teaching a robot how to fall in like like. “Congratulations on this remarkable achievement,” said panelist and principal Ryan Jackson to the 18-year-old Mr. Vollmer who accepted the award for not only building the functional C1NDY robot but also teaching it to like really, really like other sentient beings. Sources confirmed that during his presentation, Mr. Vollmer demonstrated how C1NDY could give flirtatious looks and hold hands but also immediately shut down at any indicator of anything more because C1NDY just didn’t feel like ready for that sort of thing. “We were most fascinated by C1NDY’s ability to maintain focus on several other targets at once, day processing about both Johnny the cute QB and that hunk Kenneth who’s in all the school plays.” Speaking with reporters following the ceremony, Mr. Vollmer’s parents said that they think Eric is still very young but as he gets older he might be able to develop C1NDY’s abilities to the next level. However, at press time, Mr. Vollmer was reportedly crying and removing C1NDY’s batteries.

“Yeah…I need to phone home.”