Hey Kids, You Can Get Sick And Die At Any Moment

By: Barack Obama

Hey there, kiddos! President Barry Obama here. Can I holler at you for a second? As you may have seen on the Twitter or read through the Facebook, our fine country is going through a few major changes. I’ve been trying my darndest to get everyone affordable healthcare, and it’s taken a long time, but it looks like we’re almost at that sweet finish line. So, I need you guys to do me a major solid and sign up for healthcare through our cool website because—to be perfectly clear—you can get sick and die at any moment.

Now, I know some of you homies out there are yelling back into your iPad screen, “But Barry O! We’re young and healthy! We don’t need a healthcare plan!” And for some of you that might be true, son. In fact, for most of you, you’re going to live long and fruitful lives without a major illness, horrific accident, or major calamity. However, many of you are absolutely going to come down with some life threating health issues, maybe even in the near future, dog. Problem is that no one knows who’s going to be healthy and who’s not, which is exactly why you should sign up for some insurance through the government.

This might be a good time to remind you guys that 80% of you have HPV. Just saying.

It may surprise you that this old timer was young once, but I used to kick it back in my day. I know that feeling of freedom and invincibility you feel every single morning when you wake up, which I’m sure is especially felt by those dudes and dudettes out there still living in the comfort of their parent’s homes. But don’t let that feeling cover up the truth that you’re all fragile human beings only a bacterium or cancer cell away from imminent death. You gotta recognize your mortality, yo!

Let me lay it all on the line for you. There are so many things out there that can make you horribly sick, severely injured, or straight up dead, and you’ve got to protect yo-self. It goes beyond getting treatment for the sniffles. You could have a brain tumor in your head right now and not even know it. You could be giving yourself diabetes with every Shamrock Shake you drink. You could get into a horrible car crash and disfigure yourself because you just had to send that text. Heck, you could be doing a radical stunt video for the YouTube and break your gosh darned neck. There is literally disease, danger, and despair lurking around every corner, home slice.

Flesh eating bacteria is a real thing. No fooling.

Don’t believe me? Listen to the story of Jeremy Wright from Des Moines, Iowa. He was just a regular college graduate who thought he had the world on a string. He was a former football player with a slamming body. He didn’t need no health insurance, darnit! Well guess what, bros? One day, Jeremy had a pain in his side, which turned out to be early onset liver cancer. He didn’t have health insurance and couldn’t pay for his medical bills, and now Jeremy is dead.

Straight talk time, boys and girls: if you don’t sign up for health insurance you could end up dead like Jeremy.

So, please take a moment away from your Instagam and Vine and head on over to Healthcare.gov. The site is up and running, and representatives are ready to help you get an insurance plan for a monthly cost about equal to your cell phone bill. You’ll be back to playing PS4 and listening to Ke$ha in no time.

That’s Healthcare.gov. If you don’t sign up, you could die.