LP Investigates: Changes To The SAT

The College Board, the organization that runs the SAT, announced yesterday that it is changing the format of the college-entrance exam. The organization is removing testing obscure vocabulary words, mandatory essays, and the 2400 point grading scale launched in 2005. Investigators at The Lonely Petunia were able to get an inside look at the changes to the SAT that go into place in the spring of 2016.

  • The test typically takes 4 hours but can be reduced to one minute with a $100,000 donation to Harvard
  • In the informational section, the race of “Other” will now just be “White”
  • Number 1, 2, and 3 pencils are now allowed on the exam, but not number 4 because come on, that’s just silly
  • The test will include an oral examination and hot chicks can step to the front of the line, am I right?! Hey-yo! High five me, man!
  • Four function, scientific, and graphing calculators are still allowed on the exam, but they must all weigh exactly 2.465982 ounces
  • A True / False section will be included and answers will be broken out into A) Yes B) No C) Maybe So
  • Asian children will no longer be humiliated by wasting an hour on the pitiful math section
  • All students must finish this analogy:  Smiley Face : 🙂 :: Blank : __________
  • Penalties for wrong answers will be changed from the standard ¼ point deduction to a lifetime of everlasting shame for your family
  • Football, basketball, and baseball players can have someone else take the exam, but only if they’re like really, really fucking good
  • The essays have been replaced by a judged interpretive dance of Howl by Allen Ginsberg
  • Home schooled students will be required to take the exam out in the big, scary world with other human beings!
  • All test scores will automatically be boosted 15% for resumes and job applications
  • Kaplan Test Prep will continue to help students prepare for the exam while reminding them that Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg didn’t graduate college
  • All references to the letters A, C, and T were removed from the exam
Standardized is a moving target.

Standardized is a moving target.

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