WASHINGTON, DC—Meteorologists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration issued a warning this afternoon for Winter Storm Fuck This Shit currently hitting the eastern seaboard. “Fuck This Shit is unleashing heavy snow in the Southeast and bitter cold temperatures in the Middle Atlantic,” explained head NOAA meteorologist Dr. Gregory Schafer. The storm comes as dismal news for the region still suffering from the effects of Winter Storm Fuck Me Man a week ago and Winter Storm I’m Moving To Fucking California two weeks ago. Additional reports show that the Midwest is still clearing fallen tree limbs, downed wires, and frozen pipes after Winter Storm Seriously When Is This Fucking Shit Going To Stop tore through Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Illinois, though authorities are warning residents to prepare themselves for the upcoming Winter Storm I Want To Fucking Die Just Fucking Kill Me, which should hit the region on Friday. “This is the worst series of storms for the country since Winter Storm Fuck This Shitty Ass Fucking God Damned Fucking Winter tore through the entire country in 1979.” Final reports showed that this summer is looking to be the coldest on record, because why the fuck not.
Just…fuck.
The Lonely Petunia 
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