WASHINGTON, DC – Prior to landing, flight attendant Sharron Joyner warned passengers of flight UA685 that bags in the overhead bins may have shifted reality. “Please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the captain has turned off the Fasten Seat Belt sign,” said Ms. Joyner over the cabin’s loudspeaker, “and please use caution when opening the overhead bins, as carry-ons may have traveled through a virtual wormhole into a fourth spatial dimension during flight.” According to sources, the senior flight attendant then further explained that passengers should be careful when grabbing their luggage as the mid-flight turbulence may have ripped open the space-time continuum creating a miniature black hole within the cabin that could have swallowed all duffels, purses, and roller suitcases, rendering them on an alternative geometric vector. “If you are having difficulty with the distorted spherical coordinates of your belongings, one of our crew members will be pleased to assist you.” Ms. Joyner then concluded her announcement reminding passengers that the flight between Dallas/Fort Worth and Washington Dulles dilated the manifold of time and they are all now one hour ahead.
“You are now free to move about your perceived world.”
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