NEW YORK, NY – A report released by the Pew Research Center shows that after only three days into the New Year, 2014 is also shitty. “We took into account the major snow storm tearing across the country, the deadly bombing in Beirut, the ongoing drama with Edward Snowden, and the general malaise stemming from the immeasurable personal problems reaching across the entire planet and came to the conclusion that 2014 is just as shitty as 2013,” explained head researcher Dr. Phil Cranston. “It just sucks,” responded David Franklin, one of the 7.1 billion people who realized that 2014 is not filled with joy and happiness, adding, “I throw a big party with all my friends to bring in the New Year, but the next day I look out the window and read the news and BAM! Same old shit.” The report added that 2014 will have much of the same shittiness as 2013 including the continued conflict in Syria, sustained political gridlock in Washington, and the constant threat of terrorism, but will likely include new unpredictable shit sure to make 2014 an exciting, shitty year. The study concluded that while 2014 is decisively shitty, there is still hope for an unshitty 2015.
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The Lonely Petunia 
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