Congress Postpones New Year’s Resolutions To March 2014

WASHINGTON, DC – Unable to come to a consensus on the country’s New Year’s resolutions before the final session of 2013, members of the Senate and House of Representatives agreed to delay the decision on the annual improvement measures to March 2014. “At this juncture, the Democrats refused to reach across the aisle, putting us in this difficult situation,” announced Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), to which Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) refuted by saying that the Republicans were, in fact, the ones unwilling to reach across the aisle in setting goals for 2014. “We will reconvene in 90 days and decide then the best course for our country.” Adding to the fanfare of the 11th hour negotiations, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) refused to relent his position at the podium until “Repeal Obamacare” was added to the list of the Country’s self-betterment objectives, and Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) suggested that congress just reuse last year’s resolution of “Work Together.” Chiming in to the animated discussion, President Obama made a single request that, going forward, U.S. Presidents should “probably be limited to one term.” 

"Don't worry, we're not quitting guns or smoking."

“Don’t worry, we’re not quitting guns or smoking.”


  1. If Congress could resolve to do absolutely nothing in 2014, I think they could accomplish that resolution, and feel better about themselves.

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