Anti-Gay Russia Organizes Elaborate Parade Featuring Flaming Stick

SOCHI, RUSSIA – Since early October, Russia, a country with a history of anti-gay laws and sentiment, has been conducting an elaborate parade featuring a flaming stick. “This four-month, 40,000-mile long trek is a proud moment for our country,” said Russian President Putin, who recently oversaw a law banning “propaganda of non-traditional sexual acts” and is now highlighting the joyous celebration in which Russian citizens pass a flame from one stick to another by touching tips. The country, which is mortally afraid of their children being subjected to homosexual customs, has televised the cheerful, flamboyant  carnival during which over 14,000 bears, twinks, and butch women have pumped the flaming phallic symbol in the air for all the world to see. Final reports showed that the entire ceremony will end in February, when the homophobic Russia will host a global event featuring physically conditioned men competing for gold jewelry.

So straight.