U.S. Wins Global Blessing Race For 393rd Straight Year

UNITED STATES – Sources confirmed yesterday that for the 393^rd time in a row, the United States has won the Annual Global Blessing Race. “We looked at the data and can hereby claim that, yet again, the U.S. can count more blessings than any other nation,” proclaimed Jeffrey Clanton, who leads the UN’s blessing census each year. “To start, they have a democracy, freedom of speech, and no civil war—that right there puts them in the top 10 in national blessings, easily beating out every country in Africa, the Middle East, and most of Asia.” The U.S. has won the blessing race since 1620, when pilgrims first landed at Plymouth Rock free of English oppression, and it’s been leading the way in blessings ever since. “There were some close calls over the years, like during the American Civil War and the Great Depression, but on a relative basis, the U.S. has always had way more to be grateful for than any other country in the world.” Reports show that Americans are humbled and will celebrate the win this Thursday by safely enjoying a huge feast with loved ones while taking paid leave from their jobs.

Let’s keep this streak going.