Study: Murderer Waiting Outside Your Shower Curtain 24% Of Time

RICHMOND, VA – Sociologists at the University of Richmond released a study showing that a murderer is waiting outside your shower curtain for 24% of your daily showers. “We examined over 1,000 morning showers across the country,” said lead sociologist Dr. George Bishop, “and, based on our findings, we have concluded that for a little less than a quarter of the time, a sadistic and typically deranged killer is lurking with some kind of weapon ready to slaughter you while you bathe.” The report went on to show that a butcher knife is usually the weapon of choice for each bathroom assassin, but remarked that the slayer might have an axe, ice pick, or even chainsaw ready to dispatch your entrails and send your blood down the tub drain. “We did see a negative correlation between the likelihood of a murderer’s appearance and the transparency of shower curtains, noting that completely clear curtains or even those kind of bumpy, hazy glass shower doors result in significantly lower instances of murderers. However, once your close your eyes to rinse away the shampoo, they quickly reappear ready to strike.” The team released a similar report last year showing that rapists are hiding in the back seat of your car an astounding 79% of the time.

Baths are safer.