GOP Launches Democratic Advancement Resistance Education (D.A.R.E.) Program

WASHINGTON, DC – In an effort to ward off the expansion of liberal ideals amongst the country’s youth, GOP leaders launched the Democratic Advancement Resistance Education program in schools across the country. Students will be introduced to the in-school curriculum, which will be referred to simply as “D.A.R.E.,” starting in the 3^rd grade with a 10-week session taught by real-life Republicans. “We believe that the progressive mindset of the country’s Democrats pose a real threat to our nation’s youth,” announced Speaker of the House John Boehner, “and this interactive course will provide children early access to many of the policies and methods House Republicans use in the real world.” Mr. Boehner then outlined the program’s keystone “8 Ways To Say No” that he hopes students can use in the fight against their democratic peers.

1. Saying No Thanks – If a liberal comes up and tries to sell you the benefits of universal healthcare coverage or progressive tax structures, simply look them in the eye and say, “No thanks.” Being polite yet stern is a great way to turn a democrat away.
2. Giving A Reason Or Excuse – Blaming your predicament or actions on something outside of your control can take you out of the situation, completely absolving you of any responsibility. For example, if a democrat wants you to help keep the government up and running, say something like, “I’m sorry, I can’t. My hands are tied by the Tea Party.”
3. Broken Record – Democrats can sometimes be very persistent, so it’s important to stand your ground by repeating yourself over and over. Even if the liberal presents a reasonable argument and demonstrates how perhaps times have changed, just repeat “No! No! No!” This policy has worked very well in the fight against gay marriage.
4. Walking Away – Some progressives are intent on putting strict laws on gun ownership, especially immediately following a terrible shooting. In a case like this, it’s best to remove yourself from the situation and keep quiet, knowing that the NRA won’t let anything bad happen.
5. Changing The Subject – This strategy is perfect when, once in a blue moon, a democrat makes a good point and you aren’t able to refute. For example, if a liberal clearly shows the long-term environmental and economic benefits of renewable energy sources, just turn it around and accuse him of wanting to kill unborn children.
6. Avoid The Situation – Sometimes the best policy is to avoid democrats altogether by staying away from the places that they like to hang out. Avoid places like Whole Foods, Prius dealerships, and the White House.
7. Cold Shoulder – One of the most frustrating ways to say no to a democrat is to completely ignore them. They’ll try really hard to get your attention and ask for your help, but no matter how loud they yell, just disregard them entirely. The GOP does this perfectly with minorities.
8. Strength In Numbers – Saying no is much easier when you have a majority. So, make sure you and a lot of your friends get elected into power, and then gerrymander voting districts to keep that power forever.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid made an announcement later in the day that the Democratic Party would be rolling out its own education program, noting that stopping the advancement of republicans would be R.A.R.E.

Just Say No