Local Gym Offers Fitness Death Camp

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Citing innovative motivation techniques and superior results, Flagstaff Athletic Club has rolled out their new Fitness Death Camp as part of their fall schedule. In a statement released on its website, gym owner and CEO Eric Parker announced that the new exercise class uses the real-life, hard-hitting techniques utilized in death camps around the world in order to improve fitness and build strength for all enrollees.

Moving past the traditional military boot camps, which, according to sources, have become rather passé among inner fitness circles, FAC spared no expense in hiring seasoned training professionals, many of whom have administered death camps in countries such as Venezuela, Nigeria, and Iraq, to name a few. One such personal trainer who goes by the name of Oleg appreciates the opportunity, saying, “It’s really nice to work in a challenging but safe environment. I get to do what I do best, but without all the guilt.”

The groundbreaking methods have already caught on among the early adopters at Flagstaff’s popular gym. “First, all trainers carry a rifle, which does wonders for your concentration,” relayed local college student Emily Wright who explained how her trainer Axel got her to sweat like she’s never sweat before. “But they really go the extra mile to burn those calories. For example, last week Axel grabbed my mom, who he had kidnapped the night before, and threatened to slit her throat if I don’t drop down and give him 20. Easiest push-ups I’ve ever done.”

Beyond traditional body-weight exercises, trainers have incorporated social tests, including a 40 mile team march through Arizona’s desert, stopping every 5 miles to crush rocks or dig ditches. “I would have never thought that manual labor could tone my traps and shoulders as much as it has,” praised one athlete while chained by the ankle to his fellow team members. “I’m definitely going to use that ‘Refer a Comrade’ deal they have going on.”

On top of the fitness regimen, the health club within FAC is offering meal plans that mimic the type of diet one would come to expect from a traditional death camp. For only an additional $150 a month, the club’s team of chefs will prepare, package, and ship a weekly package of muddy water, maggot infested bread crusts, and a fetid stew-like dish. “The low-carb, low-calorie, low-nutrition combination has been perfect for my weight-loss goals,” raved Jeremy Corbett, who has lost 15 pounds in his first week, due also in part to the fact that he barely sleeps each night as a result of class flashbacks. Lifting up his shirt to show his sculpted ribs, he smiled and said, “You can’t argue with results.”

Following the early success of the class, Mr. Parker said that there are already plans in place to create a permanent structure, complete with 10-foot cement walls, barbed wire, watch towers, and armed guards for those gym rats who really want to take their fitness to the next level. “Participants will check into the state-of-the-art workout facility with a stated set of fitness goals, be it weight loss or lean muscle build, and we promise that they won’t leave until those goals are met. That’s a guarantee.”

Coming soon to a gym near you.

Coming soon to a gym near you.

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Comments

  1. what in the hell is wrong with these people?!?! Why the hell would you voluntarily be so cavalier about being tortured and losing weight through stress, lack of sleep and malnutrition just to gain it all back once you quit the program. And don’t even compare it to the military training schools because this has nothing to do with military training all this is is just vanity and deep down personal self esteem issues. Get some help you sick bastard especially the so called “experts” in torture. Doesn’t take much to be in control of those who won’t put up a mental fight. Bloody wankers!!

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