Dogs’ Mouths Way Dirtier Than Originally Thought, Morally Speaking

BOSTON, MA – Dr. Ian Fischer, a German animal scientist at MIT, has developed a groundbreaking device that can translate dogs’ barks into human language, and what he has heard has been very disturbing. “These guys are some real sick pups.” Dr. Fischer demonstrated the device in his federally funded animal language lab. In a closed experiment, a cocker spaniel hovered near his master’s dinner table, letting out little yips and growls in an effort to get some table scraps. The machine read, “Hey! Hey, you! Yeah I’m talking to you, you c**k sucking mother f****r. Give me some of your s****y food before I dry hump your mother to death.” And it doesn’t get any better when the dogs talk to each other. Some dogs are real breedists, calling for segregated blood lines. Dr. Fischer said, “Last week, I listened in to a conversation between two golden retrievers, and they were saying how all mutts should have their own trees and water bowls.” The animal scientist did find that cats, while prone to give off a sense of rancid pretentiousness, are actually incredibly affable. “Compared to the dogs, these kitties are friggin Mormons.”

Buff coat. Black heart.