Recent News
Bill O’Reilly Reports Auschwitz Prisoners Got Ample Exercise
New York, NY – Following his comments that the slaves who built the White House were well fed and had decent housing, Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly reported that prisoners got ample levels of exercise during their stay at the Auschwitz concentration camp. “During the 1940’s, all inhabitants of the camp had at least one hour per day for physical fitness training, which included running in circles, digging ditches in the sun, and laying brick for new barracks to house the other gym members,” said O’Reilly on Thursday. … [Continue Reading...]
The Latest
Huge Pile Of Cash, Guns Takes Lead In GOP Polls
WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new poll released by the Pew Research Center, a giant pile of cash and guns has taken the lead for the GOP Presidential nomination. “With 35% of the support of likely … [Continue Reading...]
More Top Stories
Local Man To Stay Out Of Baltimore Discussion Right After Facebook Post
DALLAS, TX—Noting that it’s not really his place to say anything and that he doesn’t want to start any trouble, local man decided to stay out of any discussions surrounding the Baltimore riots right after a quick Facebook post about the riots. “I know that I probably … [Continue Reading...]
Spirit.com Introduces Browsing Fees
MIRAMAR, FL—Consistent with the company’s in-flight strategy, Spirit Airlines announced that it will start charging fees for anyone visiting spirit.com. “In order to provide our customers with the lowest possible fares, we have introduced a series of nominal fees for coming … [Continue Reading...]
Jesus, Paul Blart Sequel Expected To Win Weekend Box Office
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Noting the success of the first Paul Blart movie and the draw of star Kevin James, industry experts confirmed Friday that, Jesus, Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 will likely win the weekend box office. “Based on our forecasting models, which take into account ticket … [Continue Reading...]
Couples Waiting Longer To Enter Prenuptial Agreements
WASHINGTON, DC—After interviewing thousands of couples around the country, the Pew Research Center issued a new report today showing that modern couples are waiting longer than previous generations to enter prenuptial agreements. “My parents entered their first prenuptial … [Continue Reading...]
Wrigley Field To Give Cubs Metal Pee Bucket To First 10,000 Entrants
CHICAGO, IL—As part of a promotional event for tonight’s game against the Cincinnati Reds, Wrigley Field will be giving away Cubs metal pee buckets to the first 10,000 fans to enter the ballpark. “We continue to look for ways to make a trip to the Friendly Confines more … [Continue Reading...]
NCAA To Introduce Instant Replay Next Season
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In response to several controversial calls during the men’s basketball national tournament that could have been resolved with official review, the NCAA announced today that it will introduce instant replay next season. “We have the technology to make sure … [Continue Reading...]
Exhausted Jesus To Rise Monday, Maybe Tuesday
HEAVEN—Noting that He is just totally exhausted and could really use the extra rest, Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior announced today that He’ll rise Monday, if not Tuesday. “It’s been a crazy couple months, and three days just isn’t going to cut it,” said a visibly tired … [Continue Reading...]
Gov. Pence Clarifies Bill Gives Residents Freedom To Practice Whatever Christians Choose
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Following the backlash to Indiana’s new “Freedom of Religion” bill passed last week, Governor Mike Pence spoke with reporters to clarify that the new bill simply grants every Indiana resident the freedom to practice whatever Christians decide. “Let me be … [Continue Reading...]
Pedal Faster Or I Will Die
WELCOME Hi there! Thanks so much for stopping by. You’ve come to the right place. We’re going to have a great work out today. As you’re getting warmed up, I thought it would be a good time to go over the standard process. You’re going to select a program you’d like to … [Continue Reading...]
Study: Ford Wants You To Buy Their Trucks
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new study released by the Brookings Institute revealed that the Ford Motor Company, an American automaker headquartered in Michigan, would like you to buy one of their trucks. “After thoroughly analyzing the data and interviewing both executives and … [Continue Reading...]
The Lonely Petunia 
If You Think About It, All Relationships End In Death, Heartbreak, Or Alien Abduction
April 30, 2015